Here at Counselling Connections this morning we sat for a while to talk about Depression Awareness Week. We would like to add our name to the campaign which this year aims to raise awareness in particular of the stigma surrounding depression. There is no doubt that there has been a stigma associated with depression which holds that a permanent mark of shame is attached to the illness. It seems that the perception is that there is no cure or recovery from depression. We are glad to be able to confirm that this is not the case.
Depression can be a surprisingly debilitating illness. The physical manifestations of depression can take a sufferer by surprise. A cluster of symptoms around loss of interest can leave a person feeling physically unable to carry out some basic tasks which normally would be carried out without much thought. We can lose interest in food and in tastes and textures which we had previously enjoyed. We can lose interest in sex or in our loved ones. We can lose interest also in our occupation and in whatever hobbies normally keep us entertained. Sometimes in depression we can improve these things by setting simple short term goals and trying to complete some tasks even though our normal interest or drive might be absent.
There are different kinds of depression and it could be argued that no two people experience depression in precisely the same way. Our early lives are particularly important in our development and the hopes and dreams we hold to in childhood and adolescence create our adult expectations. If these are not realised we can be left with a feeling of dissatisfaction with life which can over time become depression. Some of us experience traumatic events which result in feelings of shame and guilt which can lead to depression. For others, the causes of depression are more subtle and it can be very lonely and confusing to feel low without really understanding why. It is important, whatever the cause, to be able to talk to someone about it.
Talking about depression can be difficult for lots of reasons and the fear of the stigma is definitely a consideration which might put people off. If that is the case we would encourage you to make contact with a good counsellor or psychotherapist who will listen to you in a respectful and understanding way. It can be helpful in the first instance to talk with a loved one or a trusted friend and it is not unusual to ask someone to make an appointment for counselling for you if you don’t feel you can take the first step yourself. It is also not unusual for someone to come to see us and to say simply that they don’t know what is wrong or where to begin talking about it. We can help you take things from there.
Brave people are coming forward all the time now to reveal that they had at one time or other suffered with depression. Some have experienced hospitalisation, drug therapy or ECT. These events are a difficult part of what some people go through as part of their way out of depression. These can all be put in the past and people can and do get better and live full and complete lives after depression. We welcome the public awareness programme for depression and we would encourage anybody who feels they may be suffering from it in one form or another to talk to someone about it.
Counselling Connections.

It’s January 6th, that time of year again when the Christmas decorations come down. For some there is a sadness that the holiday period is over and a dread of going back to work. For others there’s an urgency to get the decorations down and a desire to get back to routine. Most of us get fed up of the clutter of decorations, it’s more difficult to clean up and there’s a healthy sense of moving on with the New Year.
Now imagine that clutter all year round, every day. Imagine if you had retained all the material things you ever owned, never thrown anything out…think of all you would have accumulated, those things you no longer need but have held on to. It would surely result in many a ‘rubbish’ room where the door was closed over and the room no longer habitable. The attic would be top heavy with things, every cupboard full, every room cluttered, hardly leaving room to live and breathe. Would your current home hold it all? It’s doubtful.
If you’ve ever hired a skip and cleared your house you will understand how therapeutic it can be. Clearing out leaves more room in the house for furniture to be rearranged and even the introduction of new pieces that will enhance your everyday living, if you choose well. And there is an associated contentment that helps free life up for a while.
This analogy can be used to describe the mind, where we store all of our life experiences. The conscious part of our mind can be compared to the rooms that we consciously use in our everyday lives. We know them, we think about them. The unconscious can be compared to the attic or the basement where past memories and experiences are stored. There’s lot we shove up into the attic because we just need to get rid of it, we don’t have the time or energy to sort it first. Unfortunately it’s still there, still needs to be dealt with. Eventually it will come tumbling down.
Now imagine how cluttered your mind is if you have never looked at what its carrying, never stopped to empty out what is no longer of use to you, sorting through and letting go of negative clutter. Like the house, the mind becomes clogged, with no room for new experiences. Like the house, it too, will cease to have the capacity to hold everything and will eventually only manage to barely function. Freeing up your mind from things that bother you and the ‘stuff’ that keeps resurfacing, no matter how hard you try to ignore it, is like the house clutter. It will still be there until you decide to sort it for once and for all.
This doesn’t mean everything changes. Like the furniture and ornaments, there will be some good pieces that you treasure and want to hold onto. Sometimes, quite naturally, we are afraid to even think of changing things, in case it all falls apart. The awful reality may be that you are barely holding it together anyway. Change is always slow and often subtle. There doesn’t have to be a big ‘showdown’ where everything about you changes overnight. Like the hamster on the wheel that just keeps spinning around, we get into a rut. The hamster uses all his energy to keep doing what he’s doing, never lifting his head but he’s going nowhere. All he manages to do is exhaust himself. If only he could pause and get off the wheel he would notice that the door to the cage and to freedom has been open all along. He just didn’t notice it because he was so busy keeping going, for fear he would fall off. Similarly for us, often due to pressures and constraints of life, we don’t notice that there is actually a way out of the rut, a way to effect change in our lives.

Here at Counselling Connections we are without water this week. It could be an awful lot worse because we have a mains supply but we turned off the water and drained the system before the Christmas break as a precaution on account of the sub zero temperatures. It’s just as well we did because we had a frozen pipe which has burst and when the thaw came, because of our foresight we avoided a calamitous flood. We just need to get our friendly plumber to call and fix the leak and we can safely turn the water supply back on. Others were not so lucky and we are aware of colleagues whose premises have suffered bad water damage over the holiday.
Before coming to work this morning I cleaned up after breakfast, loaded and flicked on the dishwasher. Its something we do without giving it a thought nearly every day of the year. It is so easy to take a supply of clean running water for granted. We expect it to be there and we feel a bit cross and put out when it is cut off. The same goes for central heating and for electricity which we have come to regard as basic requirements. We are not accustomed to doing without these things which in the space of a couple of generations have gone from ‘mod con’ luxury to basic requirements.
Our grandparents’ generation and their parents in particular would have had to manage without these things. One topic of conversation this week among those whose water has been cut off is how to fill the cistern and how to manage the toilet. It seems many have resorted to supermarket bottled water for flushing the toilet. It would be interesting to hear what a great grandparent would have to say about this were they alive today. We are living in a time of convenience and of plenty where our needs can largely be met at the local supermarket. The weather induced deprivations of the past few weeks have reminded us to appreciate the basics that we have come to take for granted.
There has been an admirable level of stoicism and even good humour surrounding these difficulties. Some were laughing at the incongruity of boiling the Christmas Brussels sprouts in bottled water while we heard of another joking boastfully of mopping the floor with a brand of French mineral water! A spirit of neighbourliness has abounded with the old Irish ‘meitheal’ co-operation being found in stories of friends and communities giving each other a hand through the weather related difficulties. Ironically, given the talk of how previous generations would have taken these ‘deprivations’ for granted the internet and social network sites have facilitated some of this spirit of neighbourliness.
Our hope for the New Year is that we will all maintain an awareness of each other and that a spirit of neighbourliness and of passing on some of what we have to others and to new generations will thrive. In this, in good natured getting on with it, and in bringing this spirit to commerce in particular we will find a way past the challenges facing our country and our world. We can start small, start local, enjoy and embrace life and reject the temptation for stagnation and depression in favour of moving on, living and sharing.
Happy New Year.
Dundalk, Counselling Connections.

Here at Counselling Connections we are looking forward to celebrating Christmas together as one big family. This got us thinking and reflecting on the subject of bringing a child into the world. The birth of a baby is indeed a cause for great celebration. The expectant mother in particular will already have a close relationship with the baby that has been growing inside her. The father too will be anticipating the birth of his own baby and looking forward to holding it close and getting to know him or her. It is time of new beginnings and of hope for the future.
Being in the line of work that we are in we also spare a special thought at this time for all parents and children for whom this early hope wasn’t quite realised. We offer our support and understanding to those who have lost babies this year and in years gone by. The thoughts of every parent who has suffered such a loss will turn to these babies and this time and of what might have been. We remember too all those desperately trying to become parents and we hope with you that the doctors and nurses can help make your dream a reality.
It is also a reality of our modern world that two people who bring a baby into the world may part before the task of bringing their baby to adulthood is complete. This can be sad for parents and children alike. Sometimes too we find in our work that some parents quite simply get it wrong and don’t do a good job. This is often something that is hard to face. Sometimes talking this through in therapy helps to come to terms with it.
A big well done too to all the parents who are trying their best and who will be doing all they can to make this Christmas a happy one. It takes quite an amount of planning to make sure everything works out right and we hope you enjoy the reward of a smile or a thank you along with the quiet pleasure of watching your young ones happy and enjoying themselves.
So, we’ll light a candle this Christmas Eve in hope in remembrance and expectation. We’ll enjoy a few days off with family and we’ll be back at work next week and we’ll work hard and try to ensure that some of the hope and expectation of when a child is born can be fulfilled.
A Happy Christmas to all our clients and friends.

Here at Counselling Connections this week we are looking forward with anticipation to the solstice next Tuesday. The longest night of the year is the culmination of an increasing darkness that has been building for months. When the sun appears on the horizon the following morning it is greeted and celebrated as representing the longer, warmer days to come. Its appearance on this day means we are putting the dark days behind us and looking forward to better, more abundant times ahead.
At least, that is what it used to mean to the people who lived in these parts in ancient times. A small number still gather on the nearby Hill of Tara to celebrate the solstice sunrise and a good deal of attention is focused on Newgrange where the passage and chamber of the megalithic tomb is still illuminated by the solstice sunrise just like it was when it was built over five thousand years ago.
In pre-Christian times there would have been a week of celebrations at this time of the year. To those ancient people, our ancestors, the weather and the seasons mattered greatly. They relied on a bountiful harvest to see them over the lean winter months. Even though this coming week represented the very middle of those dark months, it pointed none the less to brighter days ahead.
We have electric light now and central heating and well insulated homes. We get our food by and large from supermarkets, it is brought to us. We are less tuned in to the turn of the seasons than our ancestors were. They celebrated the promise of more light to come for very practical reasons but they also understood the spiritual aspect of it: the idea of renewal.
As we lift our heads from the daily rush at this time of year we can look to the solstice sunrise in the week ahead and allow ourselves some hope for better times ahead. The dark days may not be finished with completely but there is hope for renewal and brighter times. Just as our ancestors had studied the seasons and the movements of the earth we can look back to previous cycles in the economic life of the country and the world and see that bad times passed and were followed by better ones. We can be sure of that. Maybe what we need to learn then is to store up some of the abundance we create for like the turn of the seasons we can bet that there will be bad times again. And so it goes.
So, here’s to the last of the dark days; to the promise of brighter days ahead and to renewal.
Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

I was reluctantly walking up from the counselling centre here in Seatown Place towards Dundalk town centre yesterday at dusk. The footpaths are hard to negotiate with compacted snow and ice. That fear of falling is one only an adult can comprehend… I saw a little toddler running along gleefully in front of his Mammy, not even considering the possibility of a fall for a second and I thought of how we lose those childlike qualities.
I was very struck by the number of older people who were out getting their few bits and pieces, two ol’ fellas having a chat and a laugh, no hurry on them. I particularly noticed one old woman who was walking slowly along with her tartan shopping trolley (you know the kind I mean). I was cold, my feet like blocks of ice in my new purple (Lidl) wellies bought just for the snow….she smiled the broadest smile at me, no words passed between us, just a nod. As I walked on I found myself wondering what sort of Christmas she was going to have, if there was anyone to get her shopping on a day like this?. Had she any relations, any children, grandchildren even? Or did she just want to get out and be independent? She might even have been getting a pint of milk and a loaf of bread for her even more elderly neighbour, I don’t know her story but for sure she has lived through many Christmases….
It got me thinking about how Christmas is ever changing for us as we continue through life. From being the child whom Santa (hopefully) came to, through to the woman of eighty odd years I met on the street. How many Christmases had she loved, endured, been in love through, had babies, excited toddlers and indifferent teenagers? Had she a loving husband, was he still alive? Maybe she had had a difficult marriage and was glad it was no more. She might have remained single … was she lonely or content with the choices she had made? How did she feel about this Christmas approaching?
Life is ever changing, nothing stays the same….people leave us through illness and death, babies are born, new relationships bring the oddest of families together, separation and divorce divide families and create new ones, people grow apart and remain under the guise of marriage, children will grow up, leave home, start their own families, maybe emigrate. Christmastime can magnify our ‘situation’; it can highlight the pain that is already there, the loneliness that we are busy ignoring. On the other hand it can make us really appreciate the relationships we’ve got, imperfect and all as they are…
Maybe Christmas is a time to be honest with yourself, accepting where you are at and doing the best you can. Sure, you may wish some things were different but for now it’s enough of a starting point to want things to change in the future. You are where you are at as a result of your experiences in life. Like the woman I met on the street, her life of eighty odd years has led her to be out in the snow, doing her own shopping in Dundalk, kind enough to give me a smile when there was nothing I could see to smile about! Knowing and accepting yourself and your situation is essential to effecting change. There’s nothing to be gained from beating yourself up about it. Forget about putting huge demands on yourself. Be kind to yourself and this will reflect in your relationships with others. If you are lucky enough to have children in your life be proud that Santa is surely on his way in these recessionary times, bringing what he can. Of course spending time with children is more important for them than all the toys. The benefits for adults are immeasurable too and it can be just what we need to bring us back to ourselves, like the toddler in the snow, unafraid of falling, uninhibited by fear.
Counselling Connections.

Here at Counselling Connections we have been carefully watching the weather this week like everybody else. We have seen record low temperatures for November and significant falls of snow. It makes life difficult; for a start it’s very cold, then there’s the difficulty getting around and anxiety about the state of the roads and of missing important appointments. We nearly fell into the trap of concentrating only on the bad news aspects of the weather but we were reminded to lift our heads and look around by a remark by a television weather lady.
We were attentively listening to the weather forecast on Sunday night when the presenter informed us to pay particular attention to the sky. Because of the northerly airflows over the country the air we are getting is pure, unpolluted arctic air. Watch out for the sky she told us and you’ll see.
Well, we went straight outdoors and looked up and sure enough there was a beauty to the clear blueness of the sky that is beyond words. We’ve been watching out for it all week, it makes for beautiful early evening sunsets and clear views of the surrounding countryside. Monaghan’s drumlins are crisp, clear and cosy looking and the Cooley Mountains are resplendent in their winter coats with the backdrop of the clear blue arctic sky.
When you meet someone on your travels and the talk is of traffic chaos and disruption to business and you reply by asking if they’ve noticed the sky you might get a funny look. It is not part of normal discourse to point out something beautiful in the midst of the day to day busyness of life. We get very caught up in being busy. A good deal of psychotherapy is about remembering and working through the problems of the past. We can become preoccupied and even stuck on certain things. It is important work and it helps us to clear things up and invite in to our selves a clarity similar to that provided by the pure arctic air this week.
Once everything has been analysed and, if you like, picked apart its time then to begin to join things back together again. Its time too to let go of the dark clouds of the past and get in touch with an aesthetic, with the beauty of ordinary, everyday simple things. This beauty can be found in loving relations with others and with an appreciation for the beauty of nature which is all around us, even in town. It can be found in our selves too, in a non-competitive, non-defensive generosity and inquisitiveness for the world around us. And in taking responsibility for our own lives and actions in an independent, grown up way.
So, that’s a lot I suppose to draw from the simple beauty of a clear blue sky . . . but it is worth taking a look. Maybe it will help us step out of our over reliance on being busy and distracted and have a look at some other aspects of life which we may find rewarding.
Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

What a week we’ve had in terms of Irish politics…..the lies, the cover ups, the calling in of the IMF to rescue us…. There’s a sense of unfairness and injustice for us as ordinary people being punished for something we didn’t do. We seem to have little or no control over the immediate future and we have lost our trust in those who tell us it will be okay in the end.

It’s not a nice feeling when the safety net is pulled. We can be left feeling insecure and wary of everyone around us. The world is not to be trusted. The only person we can really rely on it seems is ourselves. We feel safe when we are in control of our lives, financial stability playing a big part in the developed world. However, we often hand over our control to other things in life. This may be allowing another person to control you, a partner, a parent or an adult child. It may be the obvious ones like drinking or doing drugs. There are more subtle ones like food and weight control. While these may feel good in the moment they are ultimately a handing over of your person to these things. You are no longer in control of yourself if your life centres around any of these because they take you away from your real self. These are ways of detaching from yourself often to avoid emotional pain from hurts inflicted on you by others or through losses in life.

And here’s the thing….we all have it in us to be happy, to be in control of ourselves and our lives by really tuning into the person inside. Listening and trusting that quiet voice inside of you is the first step to healing hurts from the past.  When we learn how to do this all things outside of us become not so important, like the bail out and the country’s economic crisis. These things while important at a national level do not define us individually. In times like these, there is always an opportunity to come back to yourself and to recognise what is important in your life. Separating out the state of country from you as a person can help give you a sense of stability. It is reported that there is a calmness at the centre of a hurricane even though there’s chaos all around….you can be that centre for yourself amidst all the national uncertainty. It is what happens inside of you and subsequently the knock on effect in your relationship with others that matters. I’ve heard so many people say this week that they weren’t going to listen to the radio or TV anymore, that they’ve had enough… So in this quiet time with the telly off you might ‘tune in’ to yourself and have a listen. You might be surprised at what you hear……and how it makes you feel…

MMG

Here at counselling connections this week we’ve been thinking and talking about divorce. It seems that there are so many losses involved in finally coming to the stage where a marriage is officially dissolved in a court of law. A very private grief is made public. But it takes quite a lot to get to this stage.

Hands up who can remember that game we played as kids with a book of cardboard cut out dolls and cardboard cut out doll’s clothes. The doll was a blank canvas on which you could place a number of different outfits (clipping the outfit around the doll’s shoulders could be a bit tricky . . . it might not stay on very well!). The exciting thing is to be able to change the blank doll from a princess to a cowgirl to a disco queen with the only limits being the availability of suitable cut out clothes. To make these clothes ourselves means the only limits are the limits of our imaginations and we can make the blank doll into anything we want it to be.

It seems to us that these childhood imaginings have some parallels in adult attraction and more particularly in how we project the cut out clothes of our hopes and dreams onto the blank doll of our chosen partner. Some may be able to meet these hopes and dreams in adult life and sadly some will not. Some pinned on roles will fit well and some will fall off. The person who we choose to fill the role of husband or wife will have their own way of being and we may find out too late that their hopes, dreams and expectations and our own are just not compatible.

In working through the losses involved in a relationship breakup in therapy we often find that the loss of the hopes and dreams are more difficult to come to terms with than the loss of the actual person who we were in relationship with and from whom we have now become separated. The love we felt for them may have long since died a slow death but the feelings of loss associated with the loss of our dream can remain. It is not the person we miss; it is the failure to fulfil the aims of our childhood imagination that is hardest to come to terms with.

These childhood aims are complex and individual to each person. In simple terms it may be the expectation that ‘when I grow up I will be married with a nice house and happy children’. Sometimes we find that these dreams include the wish to correct aspects of one’s own childhood which were a disappointment. We want to give our own children things that we feel we missed out on ourselves. The strong and holding family life that we imagined we could create cannot survive the break up of a relationship. We have to adjust our aspirations to the new and more complicated family arrangements that follow such a break up.

There are also the symbols of marriage. A wedding itself is a great public celebration of two people choosing to commit to each other and setting out to make a life together. The wedding rings swapped on that day are worn with pride and can give a sense of the continuity and support felt in a good marriage. The photo album with smiling faces showing the optimism and hope for a life together contrast with the private loss that can be experienced years later when looking over these pictures alone. The wedding dress is a particularly important symbol and is often something invested with dreams of becoming a princess that have been held by a bride since she was a girl. These are all things associated with our hopes and dreams that are painful to let go of when, for whatever reason love fades and a marriage ends.

If there are children the practical aspects of separation and divorce can be made even more difficult. Some cannot resist the temptation to play out some of their feelings about their former partner in front of the children. We can only plead with these people to try to behave both as adults and as parents and co-operate together in matters relating to the children leaving personal hurts and disputes for a different place.

Reflecting on the symbols of marriage together with our childhood hopes and dreams and our adult expectations are things that commonly arise in a therapy following a marriage break up. There is something especially upsetting seeing the details of your personal life set out and described in legal documents. It can be a time of deep personal loss, of reflection and of re-considering what we hope for and expect from life. It also represents the opportunity for new beginnings and we at counselling connections wish you well with this journey. We know that you can love and be loved and if you feel we can be of use to you in making a start and looking over all these things we’d be pleased to journey with you.

FB. Counselling Connections, Dundalk.

Here at Counselling Connections we welcome the Irish Times focus on suicide in their Stories of Suicide series: http://www.irishtimes.com/itmatters/storiesofsuicide/

If you are in the Dundalk area and have been affected by suicide and are looking for support then please feel free to contact us by phone, email or through our website. The phone lines and email inbox are staffed by trained counsellors experienced in dealing with self harm and suicide ideation. We are committed to working towards preventing suicide in Dundalk through our counselling practice.