13^th Oct 2011

This week at Counselling Connections, we take a look at what is commonly known as the ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’. It can be described as the mixture of emotions felt by parents, most commonly the Mother (but increasingly Fathers too), when children begin to leave home or when they have all left. It takes its name from bird nesting habits where fledglings flee the nest when they are considered independent enough to go it alone.

Whether one is a working parent or not, there can be an overwhelming sense of loneliness and abandonment. One suddenly becomes redundant and it can feel strange to see friends and partners of our children become more significant than family of origin.  ‘Losing’ our children to marriage can feel like total abandonment, especially if we aren’t so keen on the son or daughter-in-law. It seems our investment will not yield a direct return but rather becomes an investment that another reaps the benefit of.  In this redundancy, there is a true sense of loss for the child who once was and for the important role of parent of the previous twenty years.

We must mourn these losses. It is a grieving process, one we have to feel the pain of and work through. There are tangible reminders….the quietness of the house, the empty bedrooms, no-one to cook or wash and iron for. All the chores we gave out about suddenly would give meaning back to our lives, back then when we were important enough to be needed. Of course, appropriately, our children don’t get it. They are off living their lives to the full, with the occasional ‘call me’ or text just to look for an extra twenty euro to see them through the weekend. Coming home at weekends becomes infrequent as they settle into college or work life. And we can be left feeling insignificant. Knowing, however, that this is the way it should be and that we have done our job well goes some way to taking the edge off our loneliness.

 Just as we find ourselves feeling the loss, trying to accommodate to it and readjusting to life without our kids, a new parenting role emerges where less hands on but more support is needed. In effect, our role as we knew it has changed and with this can come a sense of relief and freedom. Having more time on our hands can be positive, as long as we learn to adapt. Taking up a hobby which had been put on hold can give a new lease of life. Getting to know our partner again, spending time together can make an interesting change. Taking an interest in our adult children’s lives can reward us with a rich relationship going forward. And remembering that this is the cycle of life and we once did as our children are now doing without a second thought for our parents left behind….